Update

Update on the Bruised Reed Blog!

http://bruisedreed.southlandchristian.org/

Update

I updated the Bruised Reed blog tonight. (I promise to write on this blog again one day!) I didn't re-copy the link, but you can find it on my last blog update. Check it out if you have time.

Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater!

Hello friends! I have a confession. . . I have been cheating on you. Yes, it's true. I have been writing on another blog. I am a part of a ministry called Bruised Reed, and we work with women in the adult entertainment industry. We have a blog. . . you should check it out.

PS - I've included the link below. So now you really have no excuse!

http://bruisedreed.southlandchristian.org/

Blessings to All

It's 3:45 am and raining and I am awake rocking a precious; sleeping baby girl. (Well, I guess she's more precious now that she's back asleep!) It's one of those moments you wait for all day. She's warm and snuggly and sleeping soundly. The scent of lavander baby shampoo still fresh from her bath several hours earlier. These are those precious moments that I would not trade for anything in the world. These times make the screaming times almost worth it. . . almost!

Anyway, I guess since I was already awake, God thought it would be a great time for me to write. (I don't mean to sound too weird, but God and I have that kind of relationship.) You know the "wake you up in the middle of the night to do your deep thinking" kind of thing. I'll be honest, sometimes it really gets under my skin. It's not really convenient for me you know- but then again, neither is a screaming baby.

In the last two weeks, I have gotten some great news. First, I received news that there is currently no detection of thyroid cancer left in my body. (Yay!) Second, a dear friend called the other day to tell us she had received $1,000 from an anonymous donor who wanted to contribute to our medical expenses. Steve and I were both shocked to say the least! Although our friends and family didn't know it, we had just received a bill for $936.00 that very week. When we received the news, it was sitting on our kitchen counter waiting to be paid! (It would have waited much longer too had our friend not been so generous!)

With all the good news, I have caught myself saying things like, "God is so good!" and, "We are just so blessed!". Now, don't get me wrong. I do believe that God is the author and creator of all good things, and I will continue to give him praise for the recent "blessings" that have happened to our family. But I would be delusional if I acted like everything was perfect now!

It seems recently I have heard an unusual amount of tragedy in the lives of people around me. Just in the last month I have spoken with someone who recently lost a baby at birth, I received an email from a friend about the death of a former classmate, and I got a call about a young woman diagnosed with cancer. And to be honest, I don't know exactly how to make sense out of that. What do you say to someone who has lost a child? What do you tell a mother who is afraid cancer will take her from the children she loves? Are there really words for that?

So often we say things about God's faithfulness and goodness when we are good. But is God any less God when things are bad? Does that mean he is less faithful? Are we then less blessed?

I was in the car yesterday and I heard a song on the radio. I'm not sure of the title, but the lyrics said this:

"What do I know of you who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood but the shore along your ocean?

Are you fire? Are you fury?

Are you sacred? Are you beautiful?

So what do I know? What do I know of holy?"

Don't you want to ask God that sometimes? (I really hope you said yes. I would be terribly embarrassed if it was just me!) Don't you ever want to say, "What are you? Are you good or not?" In my mind it goes like this: SAFE + COMFORTABLE = GOOD. Unfortunately, that equation doesn't work out so well in the reality of God. If that were the case, where would you put the fire? What do you do with the fury? And let's not even talk about sacred- I don't think our finite minds have even begun to scratch the surface of that one!

You know tonight, God took an inconvenient situation (screaming baby/ tired mama) and made it into something precious. I would not have chosen a screaming baby at 3:45 in the morning. But I also wouldn't dare trade that beautiful moment of sweet silence. Was it comfortable? No. Would I have initally chosen it? Never. Did the God of all Creation turn it into something beautiful? Yes. So, maybe I am "blessed" after all.

The F-Word

I am sitting in the Nuclear Medicine Department of Markey Cancer Center at University of Kentucky Hospital. Gray cinder block walls, caution signs, warnings about radiation, and doctors in lab coats surround me. I see bald heads, IV poles, spaceship-like scanning machines with the name SIEMENS printed in teal lettering. It's like a sterile walking grave yard. Everyone is alive (which is really good), but life isn't the word that comes to mind.)

Let's just face it. I'm scared. There. I said it. Now it's out on the page for all of the world to see. (Well at least for you to see.) I have finally mustered up the strength to face the inevitable - FEAR -The ugliest four letter F- word I can think of. (And you thought I was going to say something else! Shame on you!). I'm sad to say that of all the F-words I can think of, this is the one I have the most trouble owning up to.

I've been in this situation three times now. It's not new. The first time I was here I was inexplicably confident. (I think I was just naive.) The second time I was here, I was irritated. I was annoyed with cancer's inconvenient impact on my life. But this time it's different. I don't want to be here. I'm afraid of the medicine I may or may not have to take depending on the results of my scans. I know how sick I'll feel if I have another dose of radiation. (Even though the radiologist will tell me that it's all in my head.) I'm terrified of the painfully lonely 72 hours of isolation. I am acutely aware of the time I'll spend away from my husband and daughter. I know that I'll worry for the next 6 months about the next 6 months. And I'll always be concerned about the long term effects of radioactive iodine on my body.

Fear. It's such a small word, but it's impact is so big. It's paralyzing. At times fear has the strength of 10,000 wild horses- nothing else has such an impact on my life. I mean, it's crazy that something so small can do so much damage. So, now I've said it. At least this time I'm not faking it. (There's another F-word for you! Unfortunately, I'm kind of comfortable with that one. I know how to fake it.) Fear, the very word seems so weak and so uncontrollable.

So, here I am sitting in the hospital surrounded by fear. And then I hear a familiar voice. Sue. We go way back. Sue has been my radiology tech for each scan since last August. She and her colleague, Stephen, rule the roost in the Nuclear Medicine Department as far as I'm concerned. They keep everyone informed and up-to-date and they do it all with a smile on their faces. They are gentle souls - kind. As I hear Sue's voice, I am calmed. She calls my name and escorts me to the all too familiar spaceship/ scanner. As I settle in for my photo shoot Sue wraps me in a warm blanket and tapes my feet together. (It's OK. I'm used to it.) And as if on cue James Taylor begins to play in the background. Sue remembers that I love this CD. I ask for it every time I visit for my week long rendezvous. These seemingly unremarkable acts of kindness lead me to another four letter word - HOPE.

Isn't it amazing how you just need a teeny-tiny bit of hope in order to feel better? It's like a miracle drug. (I wish that's all you needed to cure cancer!) Sue's sweet spirit gives me hope that there is life beyond this dungeon; that there's life beyond this fear. And in a split second, I feel it - the other f-word - FAITH. Instantly I am reminded of the verses I read just yesterday in the book of Isaiah.

"This is what the LORD says-

your Redeemer, who formed you in the womb:

I am the LORD,

who has made all things,

who alone stretched out the heavens,

who spread out the earth by myself,

who foils the signs of false prophets

and makes fools of diviners,

who overthrows the learning of the wise

and turns it to nonsense,

who carries out the words of his servants

and fulfills the predictions of his messengers,

who says of Jerusalem, 'It shall be inhabited,'

of the towns of Judah, 'They shall be built,'

and of their ruins, 'I will restore them,'

who says to the watery deep, 'Be dry,

and I will dry up your streams,'

who says of Cyrus, 'He is my shepherd

and I will accomplish all that I please;

he will say of Jerusalem, "Let it be rebuilt,"

and of the temple, "Let its foundations be laid." '

Isaiah 44:24-28

My scans from today are inconclusive. I don't know what will happen to me tomorrow. I may have another treatment awaiting me. I may have another 72-hour isolation period in my very near future. I might get so sick that I don't eat for two more days. I just don't know. I am still afraid, but I am not gripped by fear. I want good news tomorrow. I'd be a liar if I said otherwise. I don't know one person in the Markey Cancer Center who doesn't want the same thing. But I do know this: Sue will greet me with a smile and a warm blanket. James Taylor will serenade me softly while a gigantic machine takes pictures of my insides. And The God of all Creation will continue to reign over it all.

Amazing Grace

Grace: being pulled over by a police officer for going 52 in a 30 and driving away without a ticket.

In case you're wondering, that's exactly what happened to me tonight. Actually, my husband was driving, but neither one of us had any idea that we had crossed some kind of imaginary line between the interstate and my parent's neighborhood. Instead of a 45 mph speed limit, we were now in the 35 mph zone! (Yes, I realize that we would have been guilty of speeding in either case, but 52 in a 45 sounds much more reasonable.) Anyway, this little mishap got me thinking on a deeper level. Scary. I know.

Today is Good Friday and a lot of us are probably considering the death of Jesus on the cross. At this point in history we are able to see how gracious and loving his act was- we have been saved from death; we have received the gift of life. But, I can't help wondering how this event might have been perceived by people (even believers) while it was in progress.

Imagine the gruesomeness of a death by hanging, not to mention the embarrassment and shame of it all. We know from scripture that many people were already thinking Jesus must be a fraud. Surely a king wouldn't die with such disgrace. I don't know if any of you are like me, but I'm telling you right now, I would have been devastated to see anyone suffering to such an extent. And I can't even begin to think what that grief would have felt like had I thought this man was supposed to be my Savior- the Son of God- the promised King. I'm not trying to tell on myself here, but I would have been the first one to say, "What are you doing? This is wrong; this isn't how it's supposed to be! Show them who you are! Save yourself and us!"

Think about it. If the crucifixion happened today, most of us would have been trying to talk Jesus down from the cross!

It makes sense now, but at the time it was tragic. Looking back we might all agree that it was worth it. We are saved- free. But nothing could have been darker for humanity than the hours between Friday night and Sunday morning. The hope was gone. The Savior was dead. Heaven and Earth literally shook with grief. Perhaps we could consider this idea the next time we are trapped between unspeakable tragedy and unbelievable joy. Maybe one day we will look back on these hours of life and see that the very thing that saved us was the thing that made the least sense- the thing that brought the most pain. We probably wouldn't have chosen the road that Jesus walked down, but none of us could have saved mankind either!

Maybe the true definition of grace is a Savior who knows enough NOT to give us what we ask for and instead provides us with the one thing we never knew we always needed.

Cry Baby

I don't really like emotions. Maybe I should rephrase that- I don't like my emotions. I'm a therapist and all day long I encourage people to explore how they feel about everything, but I totally shut down at the first sign of personal emotionality. And if I happen to reach the point of tears, there better not be anyone around! (I live by the words, "If you have to cry, go outside.") Lately, this has been a daunting task because life seems to be beyond my control (surprise, surprise). Just this week, I had to lock myself in the bathroom at work so I could get a 5 minute reprieve from life!

Right now my father-in-law is undergoing radiation treatment for cancer, I have three co-workers who have parents with cancer, and just last week my dear family member underwent surgery to remove a lump in her breast. On Wednesday my best friend called to tell me that her mother, a vibrant; healthy woman, was admitted to the ER for disorganized speech and unusual behavior. Eventually doctors determined that she had a brain bleed, and just today we learned that her overall prognosis is still unknown- her life may be forever altered.

It's not just personal friends who are being affected by tragedy. Have you turned on the T.V. lately? Egypt, Lybia, Japan- have you ever seen so much chaos? So much pain? This morning I had to turn the news off. I just couldn't listen to anymore. I was almost in tears (again) seeing all those people searching for signs of life- signs of hope. I literally felt physical pain just watching those images. In that moment, I wished I could ask God why. I just wanted to scream, "Come on! You've got to be kidding me! This isn't how it's supposed to be! Where are you? Save us!"

It's close to Easter and I can't help but see some irony in all of this. These days seem so dark, so heavy, so hopeless. I wonder if there were similar events going on in Jesus' day? Could they feel the tension and fear? Was the world literally crying out to be saved? And what about when Jesus was finally nailed to that cross? Can you imagine how that must have devastated the believers- they thought their one hope was gone. They were just searching for signs of life- signs of hope. They may have even been saying, "I thought you were gonna save us!"

I heard a song on the radio yesterday that brought me to tears. (Do you see a theme here?) The words are so beautiful and I've had them on repeat as my own personal coping skill to make it through these difficult days:

"Oh death where is your sting? Oh hell where is your victory? Oh church come stand in the light! Our God is not dead- He's alive! He's alive!"

These days are dark, and there are lots of reasons to be anxious and afraid. But maybe during this Easter season we can choose to stand confidently in the light of salvation and proclaim: We are not afraid. We are alive- and so is our God! (And if that won't make you cry, I don't know what will!)

Got Milk?

Do you ever have those times in life when you want something, but you don't know exactly what it is? I have felt like that alot lately. For over a year now, Steve and I have been in the painful process of learning how to take one day at a time- never able to look much beyond our own two feet. It's like walking in pitch black darkness and praying the entire time that you don't fall flat on your face! By nature, this does not come easily to me. (But then again, I doubt it comes easily to any of us.) I want to know the plan- Who, What, When, Where- and I definitely want to know how long it will take! When I can't answer these questions I start to panic.

I was with Jane Gray the other day, and I had to put her down so I could pour some milk in her sippy cup. I knew she was thirsty, but I grossly underestimated her level of patience. The second her feet hit the floor, she flung herself on the ground and began hysterical sobbing! Now at first I thought she was just faking it- you know, trying to get my attention. After all, she does have some of her mother's flare for the dramatic. But then I saw huge alligator tears rolling down her cheeks. All I wanted to do was to get her something to drink. Obviously, she took this to mean that I was totally unconcerned with her plight!

Thinking back on that, I realized that I'm so much more like her than I'd ever want to admit. She truly believed, in that moment, that I had abandoned her- that she had been forever forgotten by the very woman who gave her life! (I mean seriously? I love her more than even I can describe with words!) But how often do I find myself doing that very same thing- making the same assumptions about God. I assume that my situations are so insignificant that even God must be unaware- I have been forever forgotten and left to thirst for eternity so to speak. (Did I mention the flare for the dramatic?)

Steve and I had the song Great is Thy Faithfulness played at our wedding. Maybe God knew something that we were unaware of in that moment. We were going to need all the faith we could find in the first few years of our marriage. But faith isn't just something that we inherently possess. It's developed in a person through experience. One day Jane Gray will figure out that even though I have to put her down at times, I will never abandon her. Eventually, she will see the connection and realize that I'm actually getting her something she needs, and as soon as it's ready, I will give it to her. Maybe her mother will grow up too- maybe one day I'll realize that it is through the hardest times in life that God is preparing something for me that will be delivered upon it's completion.

Naked on the Stage

I'm friends with strippers. You probably didn't know that about me. I don't really want to get into specifics here, but I will tell you that I do not dance. Now that we've gotten that settled, let's move on.

The other night, I was with one of the dancing ladies, and she was talking about the pressures of life: parenting issues, financial stress, relational disappointment. As I listened to her share her story, I began to try and put myself in her 4 inch stiletto heels. Here's a mom trying to do what she can to get by, working at the only job she knows, thinking about how her choices will impact the life of the child she loves so much. Granted, we come from two very different perspectives, but aren't we all pretty much the same? Aren't those the kinds of questions that keep me awake at night? It got me thinking.

Before our daughter was born, my husband and I decided that I would work part time once the baby arrived. I've always dreamed of staying home and raising lots of kids. Fortunately, a part time position became available and I was able to cut my hours back to 2 days a week. Unfortunately I was later diagnosed with cancer and our medical bills skyrocketed. At that point we had to make another decision: increase my hours at work or go into debt. So, we prayed about it, we found a great daycare, and I began working four days a week.

I would be lying if I said that I don't think about this decision daily. Will I look back on this time and regret not being there? Could we have survived on such a small income? Would it have been better to live with some debt? In the end, we did what we believed was best for our family. But would everyone support my decision? Certainly there are people out there- friends even- who may question my decision. Shoot, some would down-right disagree with me! And there's still the possibility that I just flat-out got it wrong. What if my limited mind was unable to imagine the endless possibilities that God would have provided had I made a different choice- taken a leap of faith?

Now before everybody gets their panties in wad, let me be clear. I am not trying to compare working moms of any kind with being immoral. (That's not my theology.) And, I'm not trying to rationalize behavior. (I believe in a God of holiness.) What I am trying to consider is that most of us are attempting to live the best life we can, and along the way we must make hard choices. Sometimes we get it right, sometimes we get it wrong, and sometimes we don't know at all. But, when we know better we are called to do better. Maybe it would help if we all could remember that in some way or another, we are all naked on the stage.

Jesus Sold Separately

The night before my family celebrated Christmas, my sister and I were assisting Santa Claus and setting out some toys for the next morning. Amanda had gotten the Little People manger scene for both of our girls. As we opened the boxes and set out all the pieces I noticed that baby Jesus was missing. Shocked, I asked Amanda to look through her package. To our surprise we had only purchased half of the manger scene. Apparently, you have to buy the actual scene (i.e. stable, animals, palm trees, inn keeper, etc.) but the characters are sold separately! Can you believe it? I mean, who cares about the stable- without the baby Jesus you're pretty much stuck with a barn. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, those are the principal players. That's what we were really after...Right? Merry Christmas girls, have fun playing with the palm trees...Seriously?

I believe that this Little People stuff is dirty business. How tricky can you be? They're just preying upon sincere, albeit slightly distracted, mamas trying to get all of their Christmas shopping done. If we had actually paid attention to the set, we might have noticed the lack of key figures and believe-you-me we would have paid a pretty penny for the other half. (Still will when they get it back in stock!) The toy makers know this, so they split up the stuff you really want. That way, you pay double- they make double!

Now, the Little People drama is little business in the grand scheme of things, but I have recently encountered a scheme of a much larger magnitude. Steve and I purchased our used Passat station wagon about a year and a half ago. Since that time, we have had multiple problems with it, but I love driving it...when it works! About a week before Christmas, (and a day before we were leaving to go out of town), Steve took our car to be looked at because the check engine light came on. After running some diagnostic tests, the mechanic told us that we most likely had an oil sludge problem that was particular to our make and model of Passat wagon. The recommendation was to take the car to the Volkswagon dealership in order to be serviced.

To make a VERY LONG story short, we spent the majority of our two-week Christmas break haggling with the local Volkswagon dealership as well as VW customer service regarding work and payment. Apparently, there was a class action settlement regarding our make and model of car due to the oil sludge problem, BUT the settlement did not cover our year! According to the company, the 2005 model of the car did not exhibit the same issues as the previous years. Now, the earlier repairs on the car we have paid out of pocket without much fuss, but these recent repairs have cost us $2000 plus the $500 dollars we paid out of pocket to rent a car to get home for the holidays- Not to mention that the repairs took almost 3 weeks to complete! AND would you believe that today I took the car back in for more work! Yes, my car needs another $500 worth of work!

Now, I have tried to be polite about this whole thing (I am from Mississippi after all, and we have standards.), but enough is enough. Steve and I have both asked Volkswagon corporate to make this right. We have expressed our love for our car and our desire to remain loyal customers in the future if this problem is resolved. Unfortunately, phone call after phone call leads to more frustration and disappointment. Up until now not one employee has taken any responsibility or offered consolation. However, we did get an offer for $1000 off a new car- yeah right! I am posting this today as a warning for all the consumers out there. Be careful-Sometimes we don't get exactly what we paid for. Sometimes, Jesus is sold separately!

Resolved

It is officially 2011. Wow! Where did the time go? Now, I already know what you're thinking. I haven't updated this thing in about 2 years. I know that is a ridiculously long time, but a lot of things have happened since then. Shortly after I began blogging, I found out I was pregnant. If you've been there, then you know how quickly your life changes. Suddenly, my love of words was replaced by a love of SLEEP and a constant feeling of nausea. And my free time was taken up by everything baby.

Once pregnancy was over the real mama drama began. When my daughter was about 4 months old I found a strange lump in my neck. I'm naturally paranoid and having a new baby certainly didn't help, but when my husband noticed it, I really freaked out. To make a painfully long story short, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Two surgeries and one radioactive iodine treatment later, I am officially in remission. So, 2009 was blissfully happy and 2010 kicked me in the face. Hopefully 2011 will bring us back to balance.

Now that I've explained my absence, I hope y'all will forgive me and we can move on to the more important issues at hand. RESOLUTIONS! We all know of things in our life that we'd like to change, and January 1st gives us a good excuse to accomplish them- or at least attempt to! After thoughtful consideration, my family and I have identified specific areas to target this year.

Health: Complete P90X. I ambitiously started this torture treatment last year, but like I said baby, cancer, blah, blah, blah. Beach body take two!

Family: Read to my little girl everyday. I tried to do this when she was a baby, but its difficult to read to a crying infant when you're trying to put her to sleep. It seemed much more idyllic in my head.

Marriage: Date night returns. Like I mentioned earlier, 2010 was a round house kick to the face, and in the process romance was killed. In the words of Justin Timberlake we're bringing sexy back. (Sorry, Nana, if you're reading this!)

Faith: Memorize scripture daily. I have a active spiritual life, but discipline gave way to sleep in 2010 and I'd like to correct that this year.

Intellect: Blog. It helps out my mental functioning to form complete sentences related to adult conversation. If I don't do this, I will become lost eternally in baby land and will forever speak Sesame Street. Hopefully I will show some level of consistency this year. I'd hate to get to 2013 and realize I'd abandoned my blog- AGAIN!

Just Because: Learn Spanish.

So there's my list. Happy New Year to all! I'd love to hear about your resolutions. Share if you dare...